


I'm sorry (for writing this)

by woa



Category: All Time Low
Genre: Cutting, Eating Disorders, Gen, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-15
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-04-14 05:17:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 12,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4552089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woa/pseuds/woa





	1. Chapter 1

Alex was crouching down, leaning back on his haunches.

He was quiet in the midst of the thump-thump-thump of the bus tires along the pavement,

the whine of the engines, the soccer match streaming on the front lounge t.v.,

his friends/bandmates cheers and groans along with it, and the drip-drip-drip of the leaky bathroom sink next to his still form.

He was quiet- on the outside.

In his head, it was loud, chaotic, and miserable.

Terrible, horrible thoughts ran through his head and Alex was powerless to stop them.

* * *

 

His pants were crumpled up in a ball in the corner of the bathroom and his legs were bare aside from his plain black boxers.

Taking a shaky breath Alex lifted his hand and opened it, revealing a small rectangular piece of metal.

It shined in the dim bathroom light.

It was his savior, his ruin, his only friend, and his worst enemy.

After staring at the small object Alex rested the sharp edge on his pale thigh, next to a dozen or so red long scars, in various stages of healing.

In one swift motion, Alex cut through his soft skin.

Immediately blood welled up and spilled down his leg.

The knot in Alex’s chest loosened slightly.

So he did it again.

And again.

And again.

Once to breathe.

Again for when he messed up during the last show.

Three times for the massive amount of pizza he had eaten last night.

 _(1 slice, after taking the pepperoni slices off)_.

Four cuts for not paying attention at breakfast and another for yelling at Zach because

“ **I'M NOT**   **HUNGRY!** ”

6, 7, 8, and 9 because he didn’t deserve his band, this life, his friends, the fans.

He dropped the blade, finally, to the floor and it bounced one time with a ‘ _ping_ ’ before sliding under the sink.

9 red, angry, bleeding lines.

That left a lingering pain that kept Alex's mind calm.

It hurt, so, so, so much.

It hurt exactly like he deserved.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay..... this is sorta (really) dark and it's something that I wrote a while back and just.... sorry again. This still has no plot or point.

Alex was sitting on the bathroom floor, thinking, with blood spatters around him.

* * *

 

Let’s just take a minute and hold on tight to that fragile thing that is your psyche.

You can’t breathe.

I know it and now so do you.

Can you feel it?

The electricity bleeding into your bones.

You’re jumpy and anxious and you can’t sit still.

There’s a voice in your head that isn’t you- but maybe it is, you don’t know, not for sure.

It’s like you’re on a razor's edge (something you're too intimate with) and in front of you is a deep dark pit and behind you is the wildfire of your life.

Do you go forward to escape the fire that continuously burns your skin or do you run through and endure that fire even though it may destroy you; even more than you already are.

You’re ruined and alone.

Broken down.

Beat up.

Depressed.. Suicidal and rash.

You want to cry and scream

**“GOD PLEASE SOMEONE SAVE ME!!!!”**

But no you just stay in your seat and sit as still as you possibly can, then once you are alone you break down and tear off the mask that you have sewn into and onto your face.

Rip it off even as it hurts and you bleed, because when has a little blood bothered you?

_‘You deserve it’_

You think.

The smile that you have molded out of your marble skin falls onto the floor and it cracks, shatters, and breaks.

Still, no tears come.

You breathe.

Because you are still **ALIVE**.

Even when it feels like you aren’t or you wish that instead of burning in this fire you had fallen over the darker edge.

 

Death.

Whenever someone knocks on the locked bathroom door _\--- and thank god you locked it--_ or outside of your bunk you freeze and that voice- the one that now you’re sure is yours- whispers in your head

_‘they must not know’_

And then, out loud you say

_‘hang on’ or ‘yes?' or ‘give me a minute/second’_

And then you pick up your smile and glue it back together on your face and then put back on your mask and wipe away the blood and the unshed tears because you **CAN’T ** let them know, but what if you’re too broken to hide anymore.... or you’re too tired to?

What then??????

* * *

_Because you're weak._

_Because you fuck everything up._

_Because you don't deserve this band._

_This life._

_Your 'friends'._

Alex almosts laughs.

Could he really call them friends?

Friendship goes two ways, like trust. (Another thing Alex wasn't good at)

He sobs instead, quietly, because it's 4 a.m. and everyone else is asleep.

But Alex couldn't sleep, not with thoughts like that in his head.

Not with an itch just under his skin.

Not when he wanted to throw up, too revolted at himself.

Looks like it'll be another night alone.

With only his innermost demons to keep him company.

 


	3. Chapter 3

They had soundcheck in one hour.

And a show tonight in four.

Alex had barricaded himself in an empty one-stall bathroom in the back of the venue.

He couldn't tell you exactly why, but he was crying. 

In his hand was a bloody razor blade, and he had fucked up.

His left forearm was bloody with five long cuts.

Alex hadn't cut anywhere visible for years. 

Not since All Time Low started. 

He had only cut on his wrists when he was a young boy, frightened and alone.

But he wasn't a kid anymore and he wasn't alone, technically.

He was still afraid. 

He was still sad and empty. 

He was alone in some random bathroom, bleeding, and crying. 

God, he was pathetic. 

He was slipping.

No one was supposed to know.

But this morning Rian noticed that he wasn't eating breakfast and Jack remembered that he hadn't eaten lunch or dinner with them yesterday.

Fuck.

And what was he supposed to do?

What was he supposed to say?

So he just walked (ran) away.

And walked alone, with no destination, in some unknown city, for hours. 

They're going to find out.

Especially now that he had FIVE fucking cuts visible for everyone to see. 

Fuck.

"FUCK!"

His scream echoed off the walls. 

"fuck"

He whispered, crying gently.

"why am I so fucked up?"

Alex held himself together as he sobbed.

He had one hour to pull himself together.

One hour.


	4. Chapter 4

48 minutes later Alex makes his way to the dressing room.

Thankfully Alex had had a plaid shirt around his waist that he had forgotten about.

He had put it on, letting the long sleeves cover his arms (the cuts).

So he was good for now, but what about on stage.

It was early fall and the temperature was still pretty high, tonight's supposed to be in the mid 70's.

Maybe he'll just drink more water- to balance it out.

But it would sure look weird.

Him in long sleeves while the rest of his band wore tee shirts or tank tops or no shirt at all.

Maybe he could cover it up with makeup, there's some on the bus, from that one time Jack got in a fight at some bar and got a black eye and they had an interview the next day.

Makeup would probably cover up the cuts.

Alex turned so he was heading for the bus instead of the dressing room.

He punched in the code and got into the bus.

As soon as he was up the stairs he saw his 3 bandmates sitting in the 'kitchen'.

They all turned and looked at him.

"Hey, man, where'd you go?"

Jack asked.

Alex stood silently for a moment, hand reaching up to scratch at his cuts.

"Into town."

Alex made a beeline for the bunks, hand dropping.

Rian stepped in front of him, blocking his path.

"I think we should talk, Alex."

Alex's jaw tightened.

_no. don't have time for this. can't. they know! they know! screwed. dead. done for. whore. fatass. mistake. no good. useless._

"Alex?"

Alex gulped.

"About what?"

He tried to play it off.

_don't notice, can you have not noticed. please._

"This morning, when you walked out."

Rian looked at him, studying his face-his reaction.

Alex shut off his face, careful to keep it blank.

"Come here and sit, we have time the shows been moved back an hour- something to do with technical difficulties and the stage."

Zack motioned for him to sit next to him.

There was no way that Alex could avoid a conversation now.

So he sat, focusing his eyes on a crack in the table instead of his friends.

"Okay, Alex... we're worried, okay, you haven't exactly been acting like yourself. And- it's not like you to miss meals like you have."

Rian started.

"And you haven't been sleeping all that well lately"

Jack added in.

"So... what's up?"

Rian finished.

The metaphorical ball was in Alex's metaphorical court now.

He tried to think up a convincing lie.

_but you can't, you know why? because you're pathetic and a piece of shit._

Alex slouched and rested his head on his arms, wincing when he put pressure on the cuts.

"Nothing 'up'. I just haven't been able to sleep much. I'm fine."

He muttered, loud enough for the others to hear.

_I'm fine.... 'I'm fine' never means "I'm fine". the scale goes great. good. okay. not okay. i hate you. fine._

_liar. disgusting. pig. freak. horrible. die._

There was some silence, the 3 'talking' between themselves deciding if they were going to accept his excuse.

"That doesn't explain why you're not eating, or why you walked out this morning."

Rian pressed.

Alex sighed.

_fuck. he really was tired. tired down to his bones. and cold._

He shrugged heavily.

"Not hungry."

Someone sighed.

"Lex, hey, look at me."

Alex groaned but raised his head and stared straight at Jack.

"Something is up. You're off. Please, just tell us, let us help."

_I don't ~~need~~ ~~deserve~~ want your help._

Alex's face twisted in misplaced anger.

"Nothing is wrong! Okay? I don't need your help, Jack- I'm fine."

Zack reached over and took arm- his left arm because he's an idiot and put that one on top.

Stupidly, Alex winced and pulled his arm back quickly.

Then he froze.

_shit._

Zack looked shocked and hurt and confused.

_bitch. look at what you did. fat. worthless. good for nothing._

Rian regained his composer first.

"Alex? What's wrong with your arm?"

Alex stood quickly, unbalanced as the room spun.

He took a step, trying for the bunks again, but Rian pulled him back- careful to hold his right arm.

"Alex."

His voice was sharper.

Alex struggled, trying to pull free.

_but he was weak. so weak._

Rian huffed in frustration and reached and grabbed his left hand.

Jack was the one to push back his sleeve, since Rian's hands were occupied.

Alex struggled.

"No, no, no, no, Jack, no, please, no."

But it was too late.

All five cuts were visible.

Alex heard Zack take in a sharp breath from over his shoulder.

Alex looked down at the floor, dejectedly.

"Lex."

Jack sounded pained.

"Why? Ho- why did you do this? And when and how?"

Alex shook his head, biting his lip and trying not to cry.

_weak. stupid. disgrace. crying again today. weak._

Jack's thumb lightly traced over each cut.

Alex pulled in a shaky breath each time.

"Let's go sit in the back."

Zack suggested.

Alex was pulled by Rian and forced to sit down.

Jack sat down on his other side.

"Lex, either talk to us now or we're going to cancel tonight's show"

_that was low and dirty. Alex would do anything to not disappoint ~~anyone~~ the fans. he would even play while sick._

"You can't do that."

_eww. his voice sounded rough and broken. disgusting._

"Yes, we can and we will Lex, your health is more important."

Alex shook his head.

_wrong. he's worthless. unimportant. wrong. wrong. wrong._

He breathed in and out deeply.

"Fine. I'll talk."

The others let out a collective sigh of relief.

"Okay so... why, how, when?"

Jack asked again.

"Almost an hour ago, one of the bathrooms inside."

"Okay, how... what did you use? And again- why?"

"Razor blade."

"Give it to me."

Jack demanded, putting his hand out, below Alex's face so he could see it, even while avoiding looking at them.

Alex shook his head quickly.

"No, please, no, I --"

Alex sighed in defeat, right hand digging into his pocket and pulling out the shiny, blood stained blade and gently placing it in Jack's palm.

_he had others, anyway._

Jack place the razor in the trash can beside him, then turned back towards Alex.

Sighing again, he asked.

"Do you have more, if so where are they? And you still need to tell us why Alex- we only want to help you."

_only want to help you. change you. make you fatter. then they'll leave._

The other two nodded, though Alex couldn't see them.

Alex was quiet for a bit, then he groaned and said.

"Yessss. In my buck under the mattress, in my duffle, in my backpack, in the bottom of my converse, in the bathroom behind and under the toilet."

Jack, Rian, and Zack were shocked, but Rian and Zack both stood and wordlessly went to get them.

"That's a lot of razors, Alex. Do you have any other cuts anywhere else?"

_nope. fuck no. Alex was not going to tell Jack that almost all of his thighs were covered with new and old marks, or about his ankles._

"Nope."

"Lex."

Jack sounded mad.

_oops. shit. shit. shit._

Alex nodded his head.

"Yes."

He whispered.

Jack still heard him, though.

"Where?"

Alex hung his head down, between his knees.

"Don't make me show you, please, Jack... I can't- don't make me. I've already fucked everything up."

Jack quickly pulled him into a hug, smushing Alex's face into his shoulder.

"You don't have to show me, but please where are they.... and how many?"

Rian and Zack came back and threw away the razors they had found.

Jack allowed Alex to pull back out of his hug.

"My thighs, and some on my ankles. I -- I don't know how many."

"Alex"

Rian's voice was sympathetic.

_he didn't deserve sympathy. he was worthless. fat. waste of space._

"I'm sorry."

He apologized.

_he wasn't sorry for the cuts. he deserved them. he was sorry that they had found out. that they were burdened with his stupid ass._

"Don't- just don't say sorry, you've- you don't have to."

Zack said, almost pleading.

Alex shook his head again.

_it's a wonder how he's not gotten dizzy or sick from all that motion._

"Hey, Alex, buddy. Please, you still haven't told us why?"

_he didn't want to tell them. it would only hurt them more. and they would finally realize how pathetic and sick and freakish he was. and they would leave. they would leave him. alex didn't deserve them. but he did need them. he was just a leech. a parasite._

"I had to."

He answered.

_that's all there was to it. that's all they need to know._

Apparently, Jack disagreed.

"Why did you have to?"

Alex looked at him, angry and frustrated.

_because it was obvious. he deserved it._

"I deserve it, Jack."

Jack and Zack's eyes widened and their mouths hung open a bit.

Rian looked like he was going to cry.

Alex pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them.

Hissing as the fabric brushed harshly against the cuts.

He rested his head, staring at the wall behind Jack's head.

"No, Lex. Alex, why would you-- you don't deserve it. Why the hell would you think that."

Jack was confused and his heart ached a bit.

"Why??"

Alex groaned in frustration.

_because he's a fuck up. jesus christ it's obvious._

"Because, Jack, okay? Just -- fuck I do, okay, it's just the way things are, that's how it is. That's my life, okay?"

His eyes were wide, begging Jack to just understand.

_he was useless. worthless. untalented. ugly. fat. pathetic._

"No, Alex, listen to me. There is no way in hell, no possible situation where you "deserve" this. None."

Jack just wanted Alex to see that.

Alex nearly screamed.

"No, no, no, no. It - I - fuck- I mess up okay. It's obvious. And I - god shit damn- I do this because I deserve it. It..."

Alex curled into himself more, anger and frustration deflating

"It makes me feel better. It makes me.... god... sometimes- some days I feel hollow and empty and just fucking sad."

He flailed his arms about now.

"And somedays I just.... I just... I"

Alex bit his lip and pulled at his hair, until Rian held his hands down.

"I just- on some days I just feel so empty and it's like I'm dead inside and I don't know why I'm even alive and I don't deserve any of this. And I just need to feel something, because nothing else works! Okay, so there... there, okay? Now you know. Now you know why I have so many fucking god damn ugly ass scars on my upper thighs that I can't even see any unscarred skin. And why I wear socks all the time. And you weren't supposed to know! Okay- no one knows! and I was fine! Okay, I was fucking fine!"

Alex slumped backwards, crying.

_weak. pathetic. you're crying like a little bitch. like a stupid whore. a cheap whore. god you're disgusting._

Alex rubbed a hand over his face, wiping away the tears.

Then, after he collected himself, well aware that his bandmates were watching him like a hawk, he stood up.

The room spun, and he stumbled forwards, almost face planting.

He steadied himself and walked out of the backroom.


	5. Chapter 5

Alex headed into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

He opened up the drawer and dug around until he found the bottle of concealer.

Gently, Alex pushed back his left sleeve.

The cuts were puffy and red.

If you looked closely you could see the silver scars from his childhood.

Alex dumped some makeup on his forearm and smeared it over the cuts.

_pain. you deserve it. fuck up._

Eventually, the cuts were covered.

You could still make them out if you were close enough.

He should wear some bracelets tonight, too.

Just in case.

_can't let the fans see how messed up you are. freak. loser._

Alex sighed, gaze lifting up to his reflection in the mirror.

_ugly. fat. too pale. whore. disgusting. revolting. god, damn whore. die. kill yourself._

He shuddered, he was too pale, the dark circles around his eyes sticking out, he looked thinner-more gaunt, but he knew it was probably just a trick of the light.

_he was fat. like a whale. disgusting. fat. fat. fat._

Someone cleared their throat from the other side of the door.

"Lex? What are you doing in there? Are you okay?"

_Jack. of course. they no longer trusted him. they shouldn't. he's a filthy liar. they probably thought he was in here with a razor. cutting. of course, he hadn't told them about all of his hiding places. he figured if he gave them enough they wouldn't think there were any more. there were. so many. just in case._

"I'm alright, Jack."

His voice betrayed how tired he was.

_tired of living. of breathing. of being a disappointment. tired._

"Alex, let us in, okay? I need to know you're okay."

Alex sighed but opened the door.

"I told you, Jack, fine."

He held up the makeup and showed his covered arm.

"Okay?"

_god._

Jack was thinking, Alex could tell.

Rian and Zack were holding their breaths behind Jack.

"The problem's been fixed, sound check is in 10 minutes. Are you going to be okay, tonight? Can you play?"

"Of course I can play, Jack. Stop it okay. Now let me out, I'm going to grab a beanie and some bracelets."

The guys moved back, letting him out.

"Thanks."

Alex muttered, not looking them in the face as he passed.

He went to where his bag was and crouched down.

He found his black beanie, but couldn't find any bracelets.

"Here."

Alex looked up to see Zack holding out a collection of bracelets.

"Thanks, Zack."

Alex stood up, holding onto the bunks for balance as the room swayed, and took the offered bracelets.

He roughly pulled them all on, all on his left arm.

They covered 3 of the scars.

"How's it look?" Alex asked, not really looking for an answer.

"Like nothing happened."

Zack sounded sad.

_shit. no. can't do this. can not deal with this now._

Alex played with the bracelets, shuffling his feet a bit.

Zack pulled him in for a tight, warm hug.

After a few seconds, Alex hugged back.

Neither said anything, and they stayed like that until Matt-their tour manager- yelled into the bus, calling for soundcheck.

Jack and Rian came through from the back room and Alex followed them and Zack out the door and to the stage.

* * *

 

Soundcheck kinda sucked. 

There were all just a tad bit off.

Alex trapped in his head, more so than usual, and the guys sick with worry.

But they got through it. 

Alex handed his guitar to Danny, his guitar tech, and went to walk off (skip dinner), but Rian put an arm around his shoulders and led him back to the bus.

"C'mon, catering's got mac and cheese- and brownies, your favorite."

_fuck. brownies. macaroni and cheese. calories. so many calories. fat. fat. fat._

"Rian, I don't... I think I'm just going to take a nap, okay. Okay, good."

Rian stopped and turned to face him.

"No. You can have a nap, but you're going to eat dinner. You didn't have breakfast, I doubt you had lunch today, and yesterday you only had toast and it was for breakfast."

Alex tried to calm down, shake this off, it wasn't a big deal.

_lie._

"I did have lunch, thank you very much. I'm not hungry."

Alex said sarcastically.

_A defense mechanism._

"Oh? Really? What did you have?"

Rian asked, sarcastically inquiringly.

"Mc'Donalds."

_no sin shall pass my lips. fat. fat. fat. the calories._

Alex snapped, glaring at his friend.

Rian didn't believe him.

"Well, then you should be hungry now, Mc'Donalds doesn't really fill you up for long."

He didn't wait for a reply (a lie).

He continued to drag Alex to the bus.

When they got inside they found Jack and Zack sitting down, eating.

Two plates, filled with food were sitting at the empty spots. 

Rian all but forced Alex to sit down in one of them, taking the other for himself.

Rian quickly picked up his silverware and ate.

Alex looked at the food in front of him, biting his lip.

With shaking hands Alex held his fork and stabbed a single noodle of mac and cheese.

Slowly he placed it in his mouth and set down the fork. 

He began chewing.

_1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12_

12 times before swallowing. 

He lifted his fork again and repeated.

He tried not to think about the wonderful taste. 

_disgusting. fat. whore. ugly. glutton. filthy. pathetic. worthless._

Alex kept the cycle up until nearly half of his mac and cheese was gone. 

He noticed that the other's were done, each on their phones, still sitting at the table.

Alex sighed.

He felt so full and he was sick to the stomach. 

His right hand rubbed his stomach and his left hovered by his fork. 

"Alex?"

Alex looked up at Jack slowly.

"Hey, Lex. Are you okay? You don't have to finish it right now, okay? We're just happy you ate. Do you want something to drink?"

Alex let out a relieved sigh and nodded.

"Can I-- can I go sit on the couch?"

Alex asked, not looking at his friends.

"Yeah, buddy, come on."

Zack gently pushed him out so he could get out as well.

Alex quickly went and sat down, tripping slightly.

Zack sat down next to him, giving him a small smile.

Alex tried to return it, but it probably came out a grimace as Alex tried not to throw up, but Alex still curled into Zack.

Rian cleared the table and Jack went and poured a glass of milk for Alex. 

Then Rian sat down across from Zack and Jack sat next to Alex.

"Here you go Lexy."

Alex made a face, but sat up and took the cup.

_liquid calories. ugh._

He took a small sip since Jack seemed to be waiting.

Jack grinned at him.

Alex took another this time bigger sip.

He drank half the glass before handing it back to Jack.

Jack put it on the end table and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

Alex leaned in, making himself comfortable. 

"So. Alex, we need to talk about this."

Rian said, clapping his hands together once.

Alex let out a defeated sigh.

"Not today. Please?"

He whimpered.

_pathetic. begging? are you begging now? useless. fool._

"Okay, yeah, a lot has happened today, but just a few simple questions okay- one sentence answers. Is that okay?"

Alex thought about and nodded.

"Okay, how long have you been cutting."

Alex gritted his teeth.

"On and off since I was 6."

He hid his face in Jack's side after answering.

"Oooh, okay, okay. Next question: why don't you want to eat?"

_he said simple questions. he doubted he could get away with 'because'._

Alex thought about how to answer, then pulled away from Jack momentarily to say,

"I don't know, it------- it feels....good? I like feeling empty; light. And I-- it's nice to do something right."

He closed his eyes, resting his head on Jack, who was rubbing his right arm soothingly.

"And when did that start?"

Alex let out a groan.

"On and off since I was 6, okay?"

"Does anyone know?"

Alex shook his head.

"Only you guys."

He said then muttered under his breath,

"And you weren't supposed to find out."

Jack heard that last bit.

"Well, I'm glad we did Alex, you're tearing yourself apart."

"I was handling it."

Alex said louder.

Jack went to say something but thought better of it, instead he shook his head.

"Last question, for now, I swear. Do we need to tell Matt?"

"No."

Alex didn't even think about it.

"Are you going to do something to yourself?"

_liar. that's another question._

"How can I? You took all my blades."

_not true. liar._

"Okay, we won't tell Matt, if you don't miss any more meals and you don't cut yourself, deal?"

Alex was angry and wanted to yell, but that wouldn't help.

"Deal."

_like he had a choice._

 


	6. Chapter 6

** Fast forward a week. **

Alex is on his knees in front of a toilet in a stall in the back of some mall.

43 minutes ago Rian, Jack, and Zack took him to the food court and bought him a footlong sub from subway. 

12 minutes ago they let him throw away the last 3 inches.

2 minutes ago Alex had snuck away while the others played games in the arcade.

Alex had promised that he wouldn't skip any more meals.

Not that he had a chance with Jack continuously offering him food and hovering around him more so than usual.

He had also promised not to cut himself, but what the guys didn't know wouldn't hurt them.

But he never promised not to purge.

So here he was, puking up Subway in a dirty mall bathroom.

Alex hadn't forced himself to puke since before All Time Low.

After all, it's not very good for the voice.

But Alex was desperate.

He was losing it.

He didn't deserve to eat, he ~~deserved~~ needed to feel the pain and to feel empty.

What little control Alex felt he had was slipping through his fingers with every meal or snack the guys forced him to eat.

_not that you're fighting back that much. useless. do you want to be fat! do you!?_

Tears fell down his cheeks as Alex bent over again and jammed three fingers down his throat.

His mind wouldn't settle until he felt the acid burn and no food chunks came out.

It wasn't that Alex wanted to be thin and beautiful.

He knew he was ugly and had learned that there wasn't anything to do about the extra weight he always seemed to carry, no matter how little he ate.

But he didn't want to get worse.

The fans might put up with him now, but surely they wouldn't if he gained any more weight.

Alex did it again, three fingers, gag, jab, throw up.

And again, until it was only stomach acid and his nose was stuffed and dripping and his face was wet from his tears and the splash of the toilet from his vomit hitting it.

Alex slumped against the wall, glad he chose the stall furthest from the door.

He reached out and pulled wads of toilet paper, wiping his hands and mouth and then blew his nose.

He threw them in the toilet and stood up, pitching forward slightly before he caught himself, and flushed the mess he made away.

He unlocked the stall door, checked to make sure he was alone then went to the sinks.

He splashed his face with cold water and dried it.

He stared at his reflection, automatically nitpicking his flaws, and reached into his pockets for 2 mints and some eyedrops. 

The eyedrops cleared up most of the redness and the mints got rid of some of the smell. 

He put the eyedrops back and pulled out a mini bottle of body spray and sprayed a bit on him to get rid of the remaining stench. 

"You look disgusting"

He said to his reflection and walked out of the bathroom.


	7. Chapter 7

He couldn't do it anymore.

Alex couldn't do it anymore.

It was too much, too much.

Didn't they see?

How could Jack not notice that he was always, always tired.

How did Rian not put two and two together when after nearly every goddamn meal Alex left right away to 'go to the bathroom'?

How did Zack not see the accidental staining on his jeans, because he had cut too far, too deep and they were soaking through the bandages?

How did they not notice that he was miserable?

That he was pulling himself apart?

That he didn't- couldn't- please just stop.

Alex couldn't.... not anymore.

* * *

 

Alex wasn't sure what the guys had said, but 3 weeks after they found out, their tour mates- Sleeping With Sirens and Neck Deep kept giving him these looks. 

Alex didn't know what they meant- what they knew- what they were thinking.

It made him anxious and nervous and it resulted in 3 panic attacks and a countless number of sleepless nights.

He was tired and scattered and he couldn't think straight these days.

He was eating.

Seriously he was, just ask Jack or Rian or Zack.

Though sometimes he would hang out with Kellin, Gabe, 'other' Jack, Ben, and Matt (not that the other guys weren't cool, they just liked different things or had better things to do than sit around and talk with his sorry ass).

And when he did, he didn't have to eat because no matter what his bandmates had told them Alex could always lie without them being suspicious.

And, of course, Alex was still purging.

Which meant his voice sucked (even more that it previously had) and he had strange marks on his knuckles.

It was only a matter of time, he thought.

* * *

Alex had hung out with Kellin the night before and therefore hadn't had to eat dinner.

_control. control. control._

He still felt (and looked) like shit when he stumbled out of his bunk to the front of the bus for coffee (black- no cream, no sugar).

He didn't notice them at first but after he had taken a few sips of coffee Alex turned around and found Jack, Rian, and Zack sitting with Kellin.

They all had grim, disappointed faces except Kellin who looked confused and concerned.

Alex cleared his throat.

_pain._

Before saying.

"Morning"

_god his voice sounded like shit._

"Good morning Alex, how'd you sleep?"

_like shit. something was wrong. Rian's acting strange and Jack has his serious face on. it's not even noon yet and he has his serious face on._

Alex leaned against the counter, careful not to wince when his bones hit the metal through his thin skin.

"Okay, I guess"

_tread carefully._

No one said anything, and Alex was almost done with his cup and contemplating trying to go back to sleep when Kellin spoke up.

"Alex, are you sure you're okay?"

Alex carefully made his face blank.

_lie. of course I am. I'm fine._

"Just a little tired, Kel, I'll be alright."

_flash a smile._

Kellin didn't smile back.

"You know, Alex... I really don't like being lied to."

Alex's fake smile fell slightly.

_shit. fuck. fuck. abort. leave. stupid. fuck._

Kellin continued.

"I know you're lying right now, just like you were lying last night when you said you already ate so you didn't take any pizza."

Alex put his blank mask back on.

_fuck. god, damn it. look at this. messed up again. useless._

"I--"

Kellin cut him off.

"Seriously, do not lie to me, Alex."

_shit. he's serious. what the fuck am i supposed to say?_

"Fine, okay, I lied to you last night, sorry"

_sorry i got caught._

"Alex, I don't particularly care about you lying last night. What bothers me is that you've been lying to me- to a lot of people for a long time now. And you're lying about something that has to deal with your health, Alex."

_his health. whatever. he didn't care about that anyways. he wanted to die._

Alex's eyes narrowed.

"What did you tell him?"

He looked at his 3 'best friends'.

"That you have an eating disorder."

Jack said, simply- daring Alex to object.

_he didn't. he didn't have a stupid eating disorder. he was fine. he was in control._

Alex set his cup on the counter and pushed off from it.

His vision faded and he stumbled.

He probably would have face planted on the floor if Zack and Kellin hadn't reached out and caught him.

_fuck._

His head was spinning and he felt too hot and too cold and he felt sick and lightheaded and his mouth was dry and.... was someone yelling?

Alex tried to focus.

It was too bright.

He was on the floor.

He knew that his friends were right there, he could see them- though they were blurry. 

They're voices were muffled and jumbled together. 

Alex shook his head.

A new wave of nausea hit him and he barely was able to lift himself up and turn on his side before his coffee and too much stomach acid ended up on the floor. 

"Get him up, Rian get him a glass of juice or something, Kellin.... yeah do that. Lex? Buddy, you with us?"

he was tired. 

"Tired, Jacky"

_his voice was disgusting and oh dear god he just puked._

"Hey, Lex, don't fall asleep okay, do you think you can drink this?"

Alex saw a cup with a straw in front of him.

He nodded and tried to reach for it, but his arm felt so heavy.

Jack seemed to notice because he put the straw right up against his lips.

_dear god._

Alex took a few sips before the taste hit him.

_orange juice. fuck. so much sugar. 8 fl oz- 122 calories. 29.5 grams of sugar. 30.3 grams of carbs. fuck._

Alex pulled away from the drink.

"Lexy, please"

Jack begged. 

_no. i can't. i'll get so fat. please Jack. don't._

Alex couldn't handle it anymore.

He finally was steady enough to pull his arms and legs up and curl up into himself.

He shook his head and....

_tears. god dammit. so weak. so emotional._

He was crying lightly.

Alex felt the cushion beside him on the couch give as someone sit next to him.

A light hand rested on his shoulder, as if the person was unsure if touching him was a good idea.

Alex leaned into the touch.

_love me. someone. please. i know i don't deserve it. please. i'm so greedy. love me?_

"Hey Alex, it'll get better"

Kellin.

Kellin's hand was on his shoulder.

He felt the couch shift as they others sat down.

He knew that it was Jack next to him.

He was still crying.

_why. stop it. just stop it._

Slowly he stopped crying and things became clearer and it hit him.

Overwhelming senses of embarrassment, shame, and anger.

_dear god. so pathetic. so weak. so ugly and fat. so greedy._

Alex whipped his nose with his sweater's sleeve. 

He stared at the floor.

_couldn't possible look at anyone. can't handle their disappointment. or their hate._

"Alex, man, what's being going on? We thought..... we thought you would get better... you eat with us most times. And you haven't---"

Rian stopped, causing Alex to look up.

He saw that Rian was glancing at Kellin.

_oh right. kellin only knew about the eating thing. not about all the scars and cuts._

Alex took a deep breath and shrugged.

_did it really matter anymore? Kellin knew one of his secrets, why not them all?_

"And you haven't been cutting... right?"

Since Alex was looking out of the corner of his eye he saw Kellin flinch when Rian said 'cutting'.

Alex didn't answer. 

_what could he say. lie. it won't help. in fact, it'll just make them more upset. more upset than telling them the truth? fuck._

"Alex?"

Zack sat on the floor in front of him and Alex was reminded again of how innocent his friend seemed. 

_who knew maybe Zack had a big dark dirty secret too. no. not Zack. besides no was as fucked up as he was._

"I.... I."

Alex paused and wet his lips and cleared his throat.

"I."

_don't say it. don't make me say it. please._

"Lex. I promise you right now, no matter what you say- I won't be mad at you and I won't leave."

_fuck. Jack always seemed to know what to say._

"Same goes for me"

Rian said and Zack echoed

"Same here"

Alex hesitated and looked over at Kellin.

"Me too, Alex, promise."

Alex nodded and leaned against Jack's side.

"I... have been eating, but um... it doesn't- the food it doesn't... it."

Alex didn't know how to put it so he just said straight up

"I make myself throw it up."

And hid his face in Jack's arm.

_pathetic. disgusting. they hate you. they're revolted by you. fat. ugly. freak._

Alex felt Jack's hand rubbing comforting circles on his back.

"Still not mad and still not leaving."

Jack said.

Alex nodded and continued.

"And..... _don't hate me_. I haven't- I never really stopped cutting."

_shame. disgrace. evil. pathetic. stupid imbecile._

Jack spoke first.

"Alex, we never actually asked you... and I'm sorry for that, we were just too scared and we didn't want you to die. We never actually asked you if you actually want to get better. So, do you?" 

_did he? yes. but he didn't deserve to. but Jack and Rian and Zack. they deserved a friend who wasn't a fuck up who couldn't eat and wanted to die. yes. he didn't deserve it but he'll do it for his 3 best friends. and for Kellin._

"I --- I"

Alex took a deep breath.

"I don't think I deserve to get better, but I... I do want to. I do want to get better."

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> redone, cause i didn't like the scenario, maybe later but not right now in the story.

It was the nearly 3 in the morning when Alex woke up in a cold sweat. 

He couldn't catch his breath and his heart was pounding.

The nightmare he had woken up from had seemed so real.

He had... it had been him and Jack and Zack and Rian _and oh god._

What if it hadn't been a nightmare?

What if they had really all been sitting around...

What if Jack had really said

**"Goddammit Alex! I can't take it anymore! You're holding us back!"**

What if Zack had honestly sneered

**"Why are you even in the band? You can't sing, can't play guitar, you're just dragging us down!"**

What if Rian had-- what if

**"You're out of the band. We don't need you."**

What if?

What if they didn't want him anymore?

Alex knew that they never actually needed him, but what if they didn't want him?

Alex needed them, because he was weak.

They were the reason he was alive.

Them and Kellin were the only reason he was trying so hard to **"** recover **"**.

Alex didn't understand why Kellin cared so much.

Rian and Zack and Jack were obligated, he supposed, Kellin wasn't.

But if they didn't want him....

Alex sat up quickly and looked around the dark hotel room.

Rian was sleeping.

Tears fell down Alex's cheeks and he swallowed back a sob.

Quietly, so he wouldn't wake Rian _(couldn't disturb him, he already hates me)_ , Alex stumbled around the dark room.

He found pants and nearly tripped getting them on.

He put on a hoodie and a beanie from his bag.

He grabbed his wallet and phone.

Alex hesitated with his hand on the doorknob.

He took a step back and picked up his room key.

He pocketed it and paused.

He picked up the pad of paper and a pen.

He wrote

**_Goodbye_ **

_**Sorry** _

And hastily signed it.

Then he left the room, closing the door behind him with a soft click.

* * *

 

Alex left via the back exit of the hotel and thankfully he hadn't run into anyone.

He walked the mile and a half to town, not even registering the cold wind.

His first stop was a store, where he got a pack of razor blades. 

_good. good. good._

With them in his hoodie pocket Alex's second stop was a 24 hour liquor store.

With his head down he picked up a bottle of vodka and one of tequila.

Once he had them Alex didn't know where to go.

He couldn't remember the name of the town.

He wandered the empty streets for a while drinking the tequila first.

He found the club that they had played hours ago and would play again tonight.

Well, **he** wouldn't.

He walked to the back where all their equipment was locked up. 

He dropped the bottle of tequila, but it was fine, there had been little left.

Alex leaned against the side of the one trailer. 

"Why!?"

He screamed into the empty parking lot.

_weak. pathetic. fat. ugly. disgusting._

He pounded his head against the side until he felt a sharp pain.

He opened the bottle of vodka and continued walking. 

His feet carried him back on the way to the hotel.

He didn't go back inside. 

Instead, he slumped over and leaned against their tour bus in the back parking lot.

He had half a bottle left and he couldn't see straight. 

Alex took another swig of vodka before he set it down and opened the packet of blades.

It took him so long, his fingers wouldn't function right. 

He finally pulled one free.

He unwrapped it and watched in drunken awe as it glittered in the rising sun.

He hesitated.

Where to cut?

Arms would be easiest, and if he cut them vertically along the vein....

But what if he failed.

_failure. fail at everything. failed before. after you're brother. weak._

He shook his head, ignoring his tears. 

Fine.

Alex pulled off his hoodie and shivered in the cold air.

He steadily placed the blade on the inside of his right elbow.

He didn't give himself time to rethink and just cut, slowly, one long deep line from his inner elbow down to his right wrist.

"Ah!"

_pain. so good. deserve the pain. do the other. come on. so close. so close._

Alex whined softly.

Even through the alcoholic haze it still hurt.

His head. His hands. 

There was so much blood.

He couldn't grip the blade anymore and it fell to the pavement with a soft 'clink'.

_good. good. dead. dead._

Alex felt so light, so free, so numb.

_yes. yes. yes._

His eyes closed, he was tired and could feel himself drifting away.

* * *

 

_The sun's too bright._

 

Was his first thought.

Then

_Fuck._

Followed by

_I'm still alive._

Alex finally opened his eyes- they were so heavy, and he was too tired. 

Glancing down at his right arm he found it covered in dried blood. 

His jeans and the pavement were also covered in dark red.

_how much blood is that? how am i still alive? why am i still alive?_

He pulled his phone out of his left pocket, careful not to move too much.

7 missed calls.

29 new text messages

3 voicemails.

8:52

The calls were from Rian (2), Matt (2), Jack (1), Zack (1), Kellin (1).

The texts were from them too.

The voicemails-

"Hey, Alex. Where are you man? I just woke up and you're not in the room."

"Lex? Please pick up, we're worried. Why did you say sorry and goodbye!? Alex!? Just please, please be okay."

"Alex, where are you? The guys are going crazy and you have an interview at 9:30."

Rian, Jack, Matt.

Alex shivered and wiped his eyes.

He failed. 

Again.

_what (lie) am I going to tell them?_

 

 

 

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

_what (lie) am I going to tell them?_

* * *

 

_it was an accident. i didn't mean to cut that deep. i couldn't sleep. really i'm fine. i didn't want to wake you. it wasn't a 'goodbye' just goodbye. i'm fine, really, i'm fine. no this wasn't a relapse. don't worry. it was a mistake. i'm fine. i'm handling it. fine. fine. fine. don't worry Jack. it's okay Rian. Zack everything's fine. Kellin, really i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm fine._

_~~i failed. i can't even kill myself. stupid. should have taken pills. should have gone to the roof and jumped. should have been better. should have cut my other arm as well. should have done it in a bathtub, no clotting. should have just DIED! WHY AM I NOT DEAD!~~_

 

* * *

Alex was glad that when he had taken off his hoodie he had thrown it far enough away that it hadn't gotten blood on it. 

He was freezing in the cold morning air.

He used his red beanie to brush off most of the dried blood.

_hurts. failed._

He then put on his hoodie and shoved the beanie in his pocket. 

He tried to stand up and almost fell.

His head was pounding. 

He had had a bottle of tequila and one of vodka last night on a mostly empty stomach.

Alex leaned against the bus, waited until his vision cleared, and walked to the nearest back door of the hotel.

He took the key card from his wallet and swiped himself in.

He took the stairs.

_he needed the exercise._

The 4th floor was surprisingly quiet for 9 in the morning.

Rubbing at his eyes with his left arm and stumbling down the hall, using the wall as support, Alex made it to room 423, the one he shared with Rian.

He paused and tried to listen to hear if anyone was in the room. 

Silence. 

Alex keyed himself in.

The lights were off.

The room was empty.

Alex went straight to the bathroom.

He stepped out of his pants and carefully pulled off his hoodie and shirt and stepped into the shower.

He shivered as he turned the water on turning it all the way to the  **H** and waited for the water to warm up.

The water became so hot that it hurt his skin.

 _good_.

Alex reached for the soap and desperately scrubbed all the blood away.

Once that was done Alex stepped out and wrapped a towel around his hips.

Checking again to see if anyone came back to the room Alex went to his bag.

He got dressed in skinny jeans and a long sleeved black tee. 

The jeans were snugger than before.

_fuck. no. okay. shit._

Alex sat down on his bed with a heavy sigh.

His phone rang.

He looked at it and saw that it was Jack. 

He hesitated then answered.

"Hey"

...

"ALEX!!??"

"Hi, Jack."

"Hi, Jack!? Where are you? Are you okay?"

"I'm.... fine Jack, I'm actually in the room."

"... Really?"

"Yeah, I'm sitting on the bed right now"

Alex was aware that Jack was probably questioning the 'fine' part, but fuck it.

"Okay, we're coming up"

"We?"

_please, not Matt. please. you didn't tell him. please._

 "Rian, Zack, Kellin, and I- dude we've been worried sick, man"

Alex sighed then there was a knock on the door.

But Rian had a key so it opened right after.

Alex winced when they turned on the lights.

He pulled himself up so he was sitting at the head of the bed with his arms hugging his knees. 

"Alex!"

Jack jumped on his bed and almost knocked his head back into the wall.

"Jack, careful."

Rian chastised and sat on his own bed.

Zack sat on the foot of Alex's bed and Kellin sat by Rian.

Jack backed away and threw an apologetic smile at Alex.

"So...."

Zack started.

Alex took a breath, bracing himself.

"Where'd you go man?"

"Out."

They looked at him.

"Into town."

"Why?"

Kellin asked.

"I went on a walk. I needed to clear my head and calm down."

"Why? What happened?"

Jack looked extremely worried.

It made Alex feel guilty.  

"I had a nightmare."

_fuck. how embarrassing. weak. pussy._

"About..?"

Rian leaned closer, elbows resting on his knees with his head in his hands.

"I don't really remember it now."

Partially true. 

He remembered the feelings.

The hurt and pain and rejection. 

_he wasn't good enough. he never was._

"When did you wake up?"

Rian asked.

"I don't know, around 3 maybe."

Alex shrugged.

And didn't wince at the pain from his right arm.

"You walked the entire time?"

Alex shook his head.

"I fell asleep outside... the bus..."

"Why?"

Alex shrugged again.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time, I guess."

There was a moment of pause.

"But that's.... you didn't... that's all right? You didn't do- anything?"

Jack asked, staring right at Alex, eye to eye.

"That's it."

Jack nodded a bit.

"And the note?"

"The note?"

Alex echoed back.

"You left a note."

"Did I? I don't remember that."

_liar liar pants on fire._

Jack seemed to calm down after he said that.

 "Okay? Good, good."

_was that it? it was fine? fuck. they trusted him. shit. why? I'm a goddamn liar. what the fuck?_

The others moved around off the beds.

"Are you ready for the interview?"

_wow. that really is it. I'm clear. they didn't ask. they don't suspect._

Alex nodded and got off the bed, unsteady on his feet.

_it's because they don't actually care. you just tried to off yourself. and no one gives a damn._

Alex bit his lip.

He felt.... so alone.

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

Alex felt worse.

He hadn't thought that was possible, his self-esteem was already shit, and his brain was fucked up in almost every way.

But... he felt more depressed, more hopeless, more alone, more suicidal.

And wasn't that funny, because he had just failed at killing himself.

Part of him was relieved.

Relieved that his friends didn't know what had happened the other night, how close he had been.

But... it hurt, probably more than their disappointment would have, or if they had forced him to get help.

Because that- those would have meant that they cared.

And maybe it meant that Alex really did want to be saved, to get help.

Maybe he really had _'done it for the attention'_. 

(He hadn't.)

Maybe it was his final cry for help.

And no one heard it.

* * *

 

That night had been almost 3 weeks ago.

And... 

Alex was cracking, falling apart.

He felt like he would, at any moment, break down.

He already had 3 panic attacks, all when he was alone.

One was in some venue's bathroom.

Which was how this whole chain of events started.

It broke Alex to see that his friends didn't even know that he was cutting again.

They were too focused on his eating and their own lives.

Alex couldn't really blame them, why should they waste time on him.

He was a mess, ruined.

He wanted to die.

* * *

 

It was surprisingly easy for Alex to hide the cut on his arm. 

It was winter now, so long sleeves were common enough that his friends didn't question him.

They weren't suspicious, and it made Alex feel guilty.

It also made him angry- how could they not care!?

Why weren't they questioning him!?

He was a liar!?

He was filthy and disgusting!?

He broke his promises to them!?

_**Didn't they care!?** _

But, they didn't notice anything.

* * *

 

Alex stared at the ceiling of his and Jack's hotel room.

Jack was in the shower, singing purposely off-key to one of Sleeping with Sirens' songs.

Alex stared up, memorizing the cracks and thought about all of it.

How they didn't care, how he wanted to die, how much better their lives would be without him. 

 

When Jack walked out of the bathroom into his and Alex's room he noticed right away that his best friend had his jaw locked tight and that he was crying silently.

Jack wanted to say something, but he and the guys decided that they would try not to overwhelm Alex, to not smother him.

So instead he got a clean pair of boxers put them on, and sat on his bed looking at Alex.

He wanted to ask what was wrong, he wanted to hug his best friend, he wanted to tell Alex how much he cared about him and how much he worried.

Instead, he asked

"What do you want for dinner, bro?"

He waited and politely looked away while Alex wiped the tears off his face.

Alex cleared his throat and answered

"Whatever, Jack."

He wasn't interested in dinner, he didn't care, he didn't want food, he wanted to die.

Jack hesitated 

"Hey, Alex?"

Alex had gotten up and was sitting with his back to Jack.

"Yeah?"

Jack bit his lip.

"Are you-"

He tried again,

"Are you okay, Alex?"

He saw Alex tense up.

"Yeah"

_liar!_

Alex didn't say the truth because Jack didn't actually care.

"It's just that, well-"

Jack sighed and got up and crawled across Alex's bed to him.

"Look, the guys and I we- we decided that we--"

"It's fine. I understand. It's fine."

Jack was confused at Alex's interruption.

"What are you talking about, man?"

Alex shook his head and wouldn't look at him.

"It's fine, Jack, okay. You don't have to comfort me anymore, okay, go... go have fun okay, I'll be gone bef--"

This time Jack cut off Alex, his voice high with fear.

"What!? No, no, no. Alex, I'm not- we didn't-- the guys and I thought that we were smothering you and so we pulled back, a bit. We didn't want to make things worse by asking you if you were fine all the time."

Alex's eyebrows knitted together.

_they- they did care? they weren't leaving him? they...._

"I don't understand."

Jack's heart nearly broke at how sad Alex sounded.

"We didn't want to make you feel worse, but I think maybe we did... what were you talking about? What were you going to say, Lex?"

Alex shook his head, flushed with embarrassment.

"It doesn't matter, Jack."

Jack reached out and put a hand on Alex's bony shoulder.

"You- were you going to say that you'd be gone before I got back?"

Alex didn't say anything.

"Did you..."

Jack stared at his friend's back in disbelief.

"Were you talking about- _killing yourself_?"

Alex tensed up again and Jack knew he had been right.

"Jesus, Lex"

He manhandled Alex into a hug, holding him tight.

Alex tried to get away, but he eventually leaned into the hug.

Jack heard Alex's soft sobs and felt his tears through his shirt.

"Hey, hey, Lexy. Oh, Alex, I'm so sorry Alex, shhh shhh it's alright, okay? I'm not leaving you, I will never leave you. I promise."

Jack whispered and ran his fingers through his friend's hair. 

"Shh shh, it's okay, I've got you, I've got you."

Jack held him even after his crying stopped.

"Jack?"

Jack looked down at Alex.

"If- you guys didn't say anything because you didn't want to upset me??"

Jack nodded.

"Oh."

"And it was stupid, because honestly Alex, you're not okay right now, are you?"

Alex shook his head softly.

"No"

"What's wrong? What can I do?"

"I--- I messed-- I did something Jack, something really bad."

Alex was whispering as his head was chaos.

_no! don't tell him. what are you doing!? kill yourself. that's the plan. do it!_

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

Dread slowly pooled at the bottom of Jack's stomach.

It spread with along with fear until he felt it in his fingers and toes.

Alex was crying softly, face buried in the side of Jack's neck.

"Shh, take your time, Lex. I'm not leaving you."

Jack whispered.

His brain filled with scenarios, with things Alex could have done.

He could have cut.

He could be purging again.

He could have taken something, heroin or meth.

He could have.... suicide.

He had basically told Jack that he had planned on killing himself when he thought that they didn't care about him.

"I-I c-can't Jack, I c-can't."

Jack gently rubbed Alex's back.

"Why not, Lexy? You can tell me anything, I'm never going to leave, you're stuck with me."

Alex just cried harder.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry."

Jack waited for Alex to calm down.

"I think I know Alex..."

Alex flinched, pushing himself up off Jack.

He looked down at his friend in a panic.

"You do?"

Jack nodded.

"I have a guess."

Before Alex could respond, Jack's cell went off.

 _"But we are alive_  
_Here in death valley_  
_But don’t take love off the table yet_  
_'Cause tonight_ _But we are alive, we are ali--"_

"Hey Zack"

Jack sat up and kept his gaze on Alex as he got up off his bed.

"I don't know man, I'm pretty tired. I think I'll just stay in and watch some tv with Alex."

Jack watched as Alex rummaged through his duffel bag.

"Yeah, of course, you guys have fun."

Jack hung up quickly.

Jack watched silently.

Alex finally seemed to find what he was looking for, another hoodie.

Which was a bit odd considering the fact that the heater in the room was stuck on high.

"Can I tell you my guess?"

Jack knew he was walking on eggshells.

Alex tensed and didn't turn around, but continued to pull his long sleeved shirt off.

"I'm sorry, Jack."

Jack barely heard him, since Alex was facing away.

He knew that it wasn't Alex's fault that he hated himself, that he thought he didn't deserve to eat, that he wanted to die.

Jack could never understand how Alex could feel that way, because to Jack Alex was almost perfect, he was his best friend.

But Jack could understand that this wasn't about him and that all he could do was help his friend in any way he could.

"I know, buddy, I know."

Alex didn't put on the hoodie right away, he seemed to be waiting for something.

More things fell into place for Jack.

"Alex, you tried to end it, didn't you."

Alex nodded his head.

"I'm so sorry, Jacky."

 Jack got up and walked over to Alex, who had just picked up the hoodie again.

Jack reached out gently and pulled on Alex's right forearm, turning it so he could see the inside of Alex's arm.

Alex's breathing hitched and his head dropped down.

There was a single long cut, from the beginning of his wrist to the inside of his elbow.

It was an angry shade of red.

It looked old, so Alex hadn't done it too recently, but close enough that it wasn't healed and Jack could tell that it would definitely leave a very nasty, very noticeable scar.

"Alex...."

Jack pulled his best friend into a hug, careful of his injured arm.

"I'm sorry, Jack, really."

Alex whispered into Jack's ear.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, it's better than nothing, i guess.


	12. Chapter 12

Jack didn't know what to do.

This was serious and bad.

They had been so fucking stupid!

Alex almost killed himself and they didn't notice!

Or they hadn't seen how serious things were and therefore did nothing!

He had to tell the others.

Maybe he would even tell Matt. 

He looked down at Alex, who had fallen asleep mere minutes ago during the middle of The Avengers, which was still playing on the tv.

Alex would probably hate them- hate him if he told Matt, but...

Alex nearly killed himself.

Jack almost lost his best friend. 

Alex needed help, maybe more than what he and the others could give him.

* * *

 

Jack had, at some point, fallen asleep last night.

As he woke up and went to stretch Jack found Alex curled up beside him, and half on top of him.

Jack really didn't want to wake him up.

Alex looked so peaceful, so happy just laying there.

But one of Jack's arms was underneath Alex, and it was numb and starting to hurt.

Very gently, slowly, and carefully Jack pulled his arm out, and the rest of him from under his friend.

Alex just mumbled.

Now that he was free Jack stretched then laid back down, turning on his side to face Alex.

Looking at his sleeping friend Jack took in his ragged appearance. 

Jack's eyes traveled down to Alex's covered arm.

He really didn't understand why Alex would cut himself.

Why he would mar his beautiful skin.

Jack thought about last night.

Jack knew that they couldn't keep this a secret.

The others should know to; Zack, Rian, and Kellin.

And, now- with the newest cut- it was only a matter of time before someone else saw it.

Jack needed help, he needed other opinions, and Alex needed more support.

Jack reached for his phone.

His battery was down to 17%.

He checked the time: 11:02 a.m.

Even after a night of drinking the others would be up by now.

Jack quickly called Rian.

Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Rin---

"Uh 'ello?"

Apparently, they were not already up.

"Hey, Rian."

There was a pause.

"Jack?"

"Yeah, it's me... How hungover are you?"

"Eh, not much, just- I was sleeping, man."

"Are Zack and Kellin awake?"

"Umm.. hang on.  _Zack! Wake up!_ Zack's here, but I don't know about Kellin, he's in his and other Jack's room."

"Right, right. Hey, can you come over here in like a half hour or so?"

"I guess?"

"It's kinda important."

"Is it about Alex?"

"Yeah."

"We'll be there, do want me to call Kellin, or do you got it?"

"I'll call him. See you soon, dude."

click

Jack looked back at Alex.

He was still asleep. 

Jack gently got up and walked to his side of the room, to his stuff and found his charger.

He went back to the bed and plugged it in.

But, before plugging in his phone he called Kellin.

Ring, Ring, Ri--

"Kellin's phone, what's up Jack?"

"Oh, hey man, uh I need to talk to Kellin."

"Sure, sure. He's just getting out of the shower, one sec."

Jack waited, ignoring the beep his phone made to remind him of his dying battery.

"Hey, Jack! What's up?"

"Hey, can you come over in about a half hour?"

"Sure, why?"

"It's about Alex"

Jack looked down at said friend, who was still asleep.

"Yes, okay no problem, see you in a bit."

Jack hung up and finally plugged his phone in, putting it on vibrate.

* * *

Jack spent the next 20 minutes in deep thought.

His phone vibrated.

~heading over now~~Kellin

Jack got up, not being extra careful, because Alex needed to wake up soon.

Jack got changed and paused to think- should he have waited until Alex was awake?

There was a knock.

Too late, Jack shrugged.

Alex groaned and rolled over, he was awake, not fully awake, but awake.

Jack opened the door to see Kellin, Zack, and Rian.

"Come on in, uh you can sit on my bed."

Jack gestured to the clean, not-slept in, made bed.

"Morning Lex!"

Jack raised his voice a bit.

"fuck off"

Alex mumbled and pulled the covers up over his head.

"Come on Alex, it's like almost noon."

Zack laughed.

"Aaargh" 

Jack shrugged and jumped on the bed, narrowly missing Alex's legs.

"Jesus!"

Alex was much more awake.

He scrambled up the bed.

"Are you trying to kill me, Jacky?"

Alex was teasing, and Jack knew that he was teasing, but it was just too... relevant.

"Nah, I'd miss you so much, Alex!"

Jack's response was equally light-hearted, but he knew Alex knew he was being serious.

"So, how was a night in, boys?"

Rian grinned.

"Anything good on Tv?"

Alex looked at Jack and Jack looked back.

Both were deciding how exactly to explain what was going on.

"We didn't really watch tv."

Alex shrugged, rubbing his injured arm with a little too much force.

Rian, Zack, and Kellin looked at one another.

"Okay.....?"

Kellin prompted. 

"You know how we decided that we weren't going to overwhelm Alex and take a step back?"

The three nodded.

"Well, uh... that was stupid of us."

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm changing the ages, idk why but yeah.
> 
> Also a (very) rough time line  
> chapter 1 is the 2nd week of a tour  
> chapter 2 is the 4th or 5th week of tour (2-3 weeks after chapter 1)  
> chapters 3-5 are near the end of that tour (a week or two after chapter 2)  
> chapter 6 is the middle of a one week break between that tour and the tour with neck deep and sws  
> chapter 7 is the 1st week of the new tour (3 weeks after chapters 3-5)  
> chapters 8 and 9 are 2 weeks after chapter 7  
> chapters 10- and on are 3 weeks after chapters 8 and 9

Alex curled up, retreating into himself, and wouldn't look at his friends. 

He was so ashamed.

He wished Jack hadn't said anything, that Jack hadn't called Rian or Zack or Kellin.

_so stupid. shouldn't have said anything. stupid._

Alex felt ashamed. 

He was weak. 

A couple of weeks without someone ~~lying to~~  reassuring him that he was worth it, that he wasn't a failure, that he needed to (could) eat.

The fact that he couldn't function for such a small amount of time without someone holding his hand and handling him with 'kid gloves' just showed how fucked up he really was.

Alex was angry too, mostly at himself.

Alex had lived 24 years without these false reassurances. 

He had made it to 24, and he had been fine... a bit unstable, but fine.

No matter how long he starved/binge/purge/cut/drink/drugs cycle lasted- it always ended and Alex was able to put himself back together.

There were always periods where his fucking disorders and fucked up mind loosened up and Alex was able to bring his body back from the edge.

_'On and off since I was 6'_

That's what Alex said.

Most of the year when he was 8 had been... stable, healthy even. 

And after he met Rian and Zack and Jack he had gotten better, so much so that Alex had actually thought that it was over, back then.

When he first met his now best friends it was in high school and Alex had been hanging by a thread.

Zack actually confessed to Alex a month or two ago that they had thought he had cancer or something at the time.

* * *

 

Jack hesitated when he saw Alex shrink back, but this need to be said, he needed to explain to them.

Zack spoke first.

"What happened?"

That sick dreadful feeling reflected in Zack's eyes.

"Nothing good." 

Behind Jack, Alex hung his head in shame.

_pathetic._

Jack wasn't sure how to say it, though by the look on his and Alex's faces their 3 friends had a pretty good guess.

Alex was itching for something sharp.

He could feel his friends' eyes on him and it made his skin crawl and his stomach twist.

There's never an easy way to say that you tried to kill yourself, is there?

"Was it- did- Alex you didn't- did you?"

Rian couldn't bring himself to say it.

A wave of guilt rushed through Alex.

He looked up for a second and nodded before looking back down when he saw the pain in his friends' eyes.

"Why?" 

Zack choked out.

Alex flinched, then shrugged. 

"It... it wasn't last night, was it?"

Kellin asked, looking like he already knew the answer.

Jack spoke up

"No, it wasn't."

Alex sighed.

Time to confess.

_weak._

"It was a few weeks ago."

Alex hesitated.

"I'm fi-"

"Do not say you're fine Alex, please, just don't lie right now."

Jack sounded pained.

Alex shrugged but nodded a bit, he still wasn't looking at anyone.

"Why?"

Zack's question was so soft that Alex almost didn't hear it and thought that maybe he wasn't supposed to, because how the hell would he explain it without sounding completely insane.

_already insane. crazy. ugly. weak. disgusting. pathetic._

Alex took a deep breath.

"I just... I just couldn't. I just- I can’t, Zack. I just-"

Alex pulled his hair in frustration.

Jack reached over and pulled his hands away and pulled Alex closer to him.

"Shhh, Alex, calm down, okay?"

Alex nodded jarringly.

"It... I didn't- it was never this bad before... or it was, I guess, but I"

Alex was trying to explain it to them.

"When I was younger I always got... better... on my own. I would always catch myself and I- I would get- I would eat, again, properly- normally- not disorderly. And I would put away my razors and I wouldn't touch them for months, so it... I was able to survive."

Kellin looked shocked, he hadn't known that Alex had been dealing with this stuff for that long.

"And I always dealt with it on my own."

Alex scratched at his covered right arm, thinking of what to say next because he wasn't done- he needed to make sure they knew, he didn't want to keep anything from them, because look at where that got him.

_weak. pathetic. if you tell them they'll leave. no one wants to deal with such a fuck up. loser._

 

Jack's hand grabbed his left hand and held it.

Alex knew that Kellin, Zack, Rian saw it.

"But it's different now. It's- everything's darker- it's harder. I- I don’t want to do anything, most of the time. And- I can't explain it but it hurts more, it's worse and- and- and it’s so scary in my head, it hurts so much, guys. and I don't know what to do. I can't seem to sleep, and I don't- I don't want to eat, I just. I don't want to do anything."

Alex was crying now, and Jack was squeezing him tightly and smoothing his hair.

"But... I want to be- I want to get better. I want this-this- this _**thing** _ out of my head. But part of me just wants everything to go away, and part of me want to be left alone.... _And I don't-I don’t want to be me._ "

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

_**"Do we need to tell Matt?"** _

Alex shivered under the cool air conditioning fan in the hotel bathroom.

_**"Do we need to tell Matt?"** _

That's what Rian had asked him.

_**"Do we need to tell Matt?"** _

Alex had said no.

But his friends weren't convinced. 

He had tried to explain it to them, but they didn't understand.

How could they?

They were normal.

They couldn't know, they would never know what it was like unless they were like him, were where he was.

And they would never be like Alex.

Kellin, though.

Kellin understood some of it. 

Kellin understood the hurt and the pain and the self-hate.

But still, Kellin didn't understand completely.

Alex looked at his reflection in the mirror.

It was 5 am, or earlier.

Alex had woken up, his stomach growling fiercely.

Jack was still asleep in their room.

They were in a new town, in a new hotel, they had let him off easy, too easy yesterday morning.

Alex looked at himself.

With a huge sigh, Alex turned away from the mirror and went back to his hotel bed. 

He laid down for a moment before sitting up again.

He wouldn't be able to go to sleep.

Alex rolled over and reached down into his bag on the floor and pulled out a small notebook.

It was filled with little chords and strings of lyrics.

Alex's skin itched and writing was the next best to stop it, first being cutting (but Alex couldn't do that with Jack less than 5 feet away, and he had  _promised_ ).

Of course, some of the words in the book weren't lyrics, and would never see the light of day, let alone be used by All Time Low. 

Those words were just words.

Straight word vomit from Alex's fucked up brain onto the paper.

It helped to get them out, and using ink was better for him than using blood.

_**"Do we need to tell Matt?"** _

 

 

_Can you hot wire a brain?_

_Can you crack it and hack it?_

_Can you break it open and rearrange what’s inside?_

_What’s the point of it all?_

_Do you hear that noise rumbling in the back of my head?_

_It's driving me insane._

 

 

_**"Do we need to tell Matt?"** _

 The answer was no. 

Alex's hand wavered.

The answer was no..., right?

_no. can do it yourself. alone. like every other time. alone. all alone._

 

Alex smiled to himself.

No one needed to tell Matt anything. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	15. Chapter 15

Alex thought that things were finally looking up for him.

He hadn't had any thoughts about actively trying to kill himself for a week.

He had finally finished a new song and showed it to the guys, and they said they liked it.

He had been able to push himself to eat 2 or 3 meals every day and had only thrown up once (he had pushed himself too hard).

The guys ended up not telling Matt, at least Alex didn't think they did because there had been no big confrontation, no intervention, no threat of canceling the tour, no lectures, so Matt probably didn't know. 

Alex knew that his friends were a bit suspicious, but he knew that it wasn't fake, he wasn't faking his new attitude, he had told them that in the past he always figured it out himself.

His body had finally reached the limit and his mind was calming down, giving Alex time to recuperate.

The dark cycle that he had been in for longer than any other past cycle was finally ending.

And hopefully, during this grace period, Alex could actually get better- like for real.

Though he had always been alone when he broke the cycles, this time he had 4 friends, and as much as Alex didn't want them to waste their time on him, didn't want to bother them, didn't want to drag them down, didn't want to burden them, didn't want to keep ruining their lives, didn't want to keep holding them back, didn't want to keep them from living, didn't want to keep on living.

\----

\----

_fuck._

Alex slammed his head onto the counter.

_fuck it. fuck me. fuck._

"Alex?"

He looked up to see Jack in the doorway.

"You okay?"

Reflectively Alex answered

"I'm fine"

Then he sighed, closed his eyes for a second and answered more truthfully.

"Just thinking, I... I got myself stuck thinking things I probably... things I shouldn't think."

Jack nodded and sat down across from him.

"Want to talk about it?"

Alex hesitated.

"It might help."

Alex still wasn't sure.

"Well... it was nothing really. I don't know how... it wasn't like intentional, you know? My mind was just wandering a bit."

Jack looked at him quizzically.

"I'm getting better."

Alex looked out the window so he didn't have to see Jack's reaction.

"Yeah?"

Jack's voice was so casual, it calmed Alex down a bit.

"Yeah, it's- the cycle, you know? How I told you guys that I always like stopped, by myself when I was younger... I think that this cycle's ending."

Jack smiled at him.

"Awesome, man."

Alex nodded and looked back out the window.

"Thanks, Jack... for everything." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the end.


End file.
